Oct 27, 2013


By Alawiya Abdalla



I cannot believe that I am finally going to get to see the area, which is called Hendon BY THE WAY ;) Yeah Osman finally told me it’s name! At first he was reluctant and making fun of the way I was speaking, but he finally told me.

Right now we are sitting here listening to some guy who wants to throw a grenade at his girlfriend? Or is it the other way round? I have no idea because I could not care less really. I do not listen to music, because I have better things to do with my life than listen to a bunch of people getting all depressed or EXTREMELY happy that they are in love.

GET A LIFE MAN!! That is what I say whenever I listen to the lyrics of nowadays songs. I feel like I should say something? Nah let me be polite the guy who is giving me a ride FOR FREE.

Black, black, black and blue beat me till I’m numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you’re from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That’s just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car!!!!!!!!!!!

Okaaaaay I should say something!!

“Errm, excuse me. Can you put this music off please?” I try and tell him over the loud speakers and his awful singing voice.
He does not seem to hear me, you see now I am left with nothing but using my stick. No, not to hit him but to poke him! That is right I carry a stick to poke whenever I want to physically ask for something from him (I know it’s not respectful and all that but what is a girl to do?)

“Excuse me can you put the music off please?” I tell him while poking him on his arm so I can get his attention
IT WORKED! He put the volume down and turned to face me WHILE DRIVING. HELLPPPP!!!
“WHAT THE? Would you stop poking me with that already!” he said in an angry tone.
“Well, I tried talking to you but the volume was so high and you were “singing” so you couldn't hear me” I tell him innocently.
“What’s with the air quotes, I could sing you know! And what do you want??” He asks furiously OBVIOUSLY not happy that I am suggesting he cannot sing.
“I don’t listen to music and this song has offensive words in it, so if you don’t mind to switch it off that would be most kind” I say politely.
“Offensive??? Grenade is offensive to you? And why is that? Girl who uses the phrase 'most kind'” He asks mocking the way I am speaking.

“Well. First of all he sounds so depressed and deluded AND stalkerish. Secondly he said say Hi to the DEVIL as if they are friends or something, that is Shirk!” I reply.
“What’s Shirk?? Bruno Mars is sick man what are you talking about?” He asks me.
“Shirk is when you don’t believe in Allah (SWT) and the singer is a sick man? I'm sorry I didn't know that” I feel sorry for my comments, poor guy!
“Sick as in great! Not like your DISEASE sick!” He explains to me.
“Ooooh! Why would you call someone sick when you’re supposed to call them good I don’t understand!” I ask him feeling confused at this new way of talking.
“It’s a slang, you wouldn't understand it since you talk all weird and stuff” He replies.

“Anyyywaayyy, I wanted to ask why doesn't anyone pray in your house?” I wonder because I can understand why people who are not Muslims would judge me but why them!
“ I'm gonna have to explain that to you later cuz we’re here” He stops the car and parks it.

I get out of the car, and I immediately feel so amazed at how clean this place really is.

“Look at the streets, doesn't anyone throw anything on the floor?” I ask in amazement as I see NOTHING on the street.
“Ok. Rule number one. Don’t say stupid stuff like look at the streets or look at the clean windows” He tries to explain his rules to me before I interrupt him by saying


“You’re not listening!!” He grabs me from my arm and takes me aside, and then I realize that HE GRABBED MY ARMS??
“Don’t ever do that again otherwise I'm left with no choice but to use my slippers” I warn him.
“I'm not gonna even attempt to ask you about “the slippers” JUST LISTEN. Rule number two. No eye contact with me, as in no walking next to me like I know you or something. Do you understand?” He finishes explaining his rules to me.
“I do understand, but don’t you ever touch me again. Do YOU understand?” I explain MY rules to him too AHA.

“Fair enough” He answers me before he walks WAY ahead of me, so I would not be able to catch up.

I start walking thinking to myself he’s not gonna leave me all alone, he’s just embarrassed to be seen with me that is all.
I take the surroundings around me. Subhanallah, these people must work really hard to get this place looking like this. I see small shops that are called newsagents and next to it I see a place called Tesco.
I guess that’s a supermarket? I put my hands on the glass to take a look inside. Yep, it’s a supermarket! Oh how I wish I could go in to take a look.

HOLD ON A MINUTE! It says half price on a pork scratchings. Is pork a a…..hold on let me take my dictionary out, I take a small dictionary out of my pocket and start searching for the word pork.
Pork..pork…..AHA! Pork is a gastronomical name for meat from the domestic PIG? ew ew…..

“ASTAGHFURULLAH, PIG!” I say it out loudly without realizing.

Yep, this is what I was afraid of. Meeting face to face with pigs, euuughhh.
I start walking faster to get far away from any sights of pigs or WINE! I was so preoccupied with how clean and modern London is compared to Cairo, that I forgot about all these other things that exists here.
I calm myself down and remember that I am not here to judge, I am here to find a way to send my family the much needed money that they want.

So I simply walk along the street, I take in everything around me. Subhanallah, everything is organized! I mean look at the way people are always forming queues, so everyone gets their turn. In Egypt, you have to know Karate to get to the front of any queue!!

As I was walking I spot Osman sitting on a bench trying not to look my way, and at that moment an idea forms in my head. He is forever teasing me and annoying me, so why not get my revenge by calling out his name so EVERYONE knows that I am with him.

I chuckle to myself at the idea *making my evil grin underneath my Niqab* READY…STEADY….GOO
“OS……” I get interrupted before I put my plan to good use, well sort of!

I see a little girl who dropped her teddy bear, while she was in her pram. I can see the look of concern in her eyes, as her mother did not notice that the teddy bear was gone.
And the little girl was in no position to cry or protest, as she was juggling drinking her milk from her bottle and looking out for her poor teddy. Subhanallah, us women are always juggling!

So I decided to get it for her, I mean my heart is breaking for the little girl!!……….what could possibly happen??


I just informed ninja not to communicate with me in case people think I am with her or something!! I do not wanna be seen ANYWHERE near her.

My dad better appreciate all this, and he BETTER reward me with not only the £100.000 but a new car too.
Nobody is allowed to wake me up that early, I have got a terrible hangover from last night but I will do anything for this nightmare to finish. I WANT MY BED BACK! Plus I am not having the fun I was expecting!

I made sure I was walking ahead of her, WAY ahead of her so she could not catch up but the hangover got the better of me and I decided to sit down on a bench to rest my sore head.
I was sitting down with my hand on my head, when I looked at the time and saw that it was 9:30.
GOD, THAT’S TOO EARLY!! I should be in bed asleep, where I do not have to think about today or tomorrow or the fact that I have put myself in a very tricky situation with Kevin.

Every time I think about it I feel like I wanna throw up from fear, I mean he reassured me that I do not have to do anything but be the guy on the look out.
That does not make it better though! What am I gonna see??? What would I witness? I know I do allot of bad stuff, but beating up innocent people?? I cannot do that!
I push the uneasy feeling aside and I suck in the fresh air to clear my mind. I decide to turn to my left and check on crazy girl to see what is she up to.

She looks like a crazy person, checking the shops with such manic eagerness! Oh gosh what is she doing? Did she just put her hand on the window to look at tesco from inside? WHO DOES THAT?
I look at her and I fight the urge to laugh, the way she is looking is innocent and cute in a way.


Freaky, yes that is what I was trying to say. Freaky and freshie like. CUTE! I think it is the hangover talking here mate.

I do not know why but I turn around to take another glimpse to see what is she doing. This time I see her backing away in horror at something she saw, she takes out a book and she starts shaking her head in disgust and starts walking.
How come I never realized how entertaining she can be?? This is like a comedy show FOR FREE MAN.

OH NO SHE SPOTS ME!! I am just gonna pretend I cannot see her so I turn to the other side. I look back again and I see that she got distracted by a little girl. PHEW!! THAT WAS CLOSE.
She FOLLOWS the little girl and her mum to the bank??? What is she doing man? Should I follow her or should I stay put to avoid embarrassment?

Minutes passed and she has not come out yet, so I go there to see what is going on.


I booked an emergency appointment with my private GP, hopefully he will be able to shed some light on what is going on with me.

I have an inclining of what it could be, but I do not think that is possible. I do not know a Barawani person who has this disease, so it is probably nothing.
I think I am just too overstressed, with all the money problems I am having. Yeah, that is got to be it!
I do not have time to think, I need to get there as fast as I can. The only problem is I do not remember which car keys belongs to which car!!
I do not want to arouse suspicions with my wife, and I do not want the neighbours to see me either as they might tell my wife.
I quickly realize that I have no other choice, and I go through the set of keys that was in my hands. One key fits in the Mercedes Benz, and I get in it and get out of the house as fast as I can.

I cannot shake the feeling that it could be that disease. That would be the end of me, I am struggling enough as I am and adding this to the equation would be a disaster to my current situation.


I followed the little girl to give her the teddy bear. I enter this really posh place, and I look around and realize that I am in a bank.

Subhanallah, look at how the people are forming queues! I snap out of my trance as I see the lady behind the reception desk giving me inquisitive looks.
I spot the little girl and her mum and I make my way to them.

“Excuse me madam” I politely call the girl’s mother.

She turns around, and immediately feels startled by me. OH HERE WE GO AGAIN I think to myself.

“Yeees?” She replies suspiciously.
“Erm, your daughter dropped her teddy bear and I wanted to retrieve it for her” I hand her the teddy bear.
“Fanks” She replies with a word that I do not recognize.
“Fanks? What does that mean?” I ask her feeling puzzled.
“Yeah, fanks for bringing this back?” She replies getting impatient at my presence.
“OOOH YOU MEAN THANKS. Oh then you are most welcome madam” I reply cheerfully. I am sooo getting the hang of this language.

The lady just walks away even more surprised at me. Oh well, at least the little girl is happy I think to myself as I make my way out of the bank.

I turn around and I see Osman glaring at me.

“Oh, you frightened me there” I inform him.
“Oh I did? Why are you in a bank for?” He asks in an angry tone.
“Well, that poor little girl dropped her teddy bear and I went to get it for her. Maskeen she might cry without it” I explain the very delicate situation to him.
“Fine, now let’s get out of here. Everyone is looking at you” He says in an annoyed tone.
“Aright alright, relax a little” I try and calm his nerves down.

He looks at me for a second and then he starts laughing!!

“What??” I ask puzzled.
“Look at the black wall behind you, you can almost be invisible standing next to it” He says while holding his belly from all the laughing business.
“That’s utterly and completely rude. Excuse me, but I'm totally going to walk past you and ignore you” I tell him as I try and wriggle myself away from him.

NO USE, he is still standing there. I guess I am going to have to wait until he finishes laughing?
“I'm sorry I'm sorry, let’s go” He says wiping tears from his eyes.

But at that moment, someone enters the bank and yells

And he seems to be holding a shiny thing in his hand. HA!!! He’s holding a gun!!!

I'd love to hear your views on this topic. Please post in the comments section below! :)


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