Stifled Cry

By Concerned

Bismillah

Dear Stifler,

Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala blessed me with a wonderful life, a life where parents protected me, where my brothers and sisters loved me and where innocence held my hand.The world was small and safe, with familiar places and familiar faces.

My life a little bubble, was crammed with love, beautiful memories and precious worthless nik naks. My little rainbow bubble protected me from the darkness of the night and the heat of the day, lightly floating on the gentle currents of time.

I was taught that friends of this world were not true, and therefore the friends I had were a close select few. I began to grow and become independent, I began a respectable career, and the world became my oyster. I hesitantly let new people in, people with trust and friendship tattooed on their faces. Little did I know along with these friends my bubble was straining and when one particular friend entered, the bubble cracked and she allowed you to seep through.

Together you wooed me, gained my family's trust, motivated me and praised me. Took me places I had never discovered and gave me experiences that had previously been forbidden. You expanded the world and introduced me to girls who cheated and evocatively danced in front of audiences. You showed me a life where young men followed another religion that of money, loud music and ancient muses, a life where proud mothers measured their children’s successes with the whistles from the lads and screams from the lasses. I longed to be part of this illusionary world, but alas my bubble clung tight and would not allow me to enter.

The bright lights and loud music outshone my bubble. My bubble was small the world was big, you slowly, ever so slowly enticed me out, first my arm, then my leg, then my head, I slowly suffocated. But the glitz and the glamour was where I wanted to be, there was no rules, no rigidity, no prayers, no name of the Sovereignty. I thought these people are having a good time, no lightning bolt, no worry of death, free mixing, only worry was what to wear next.

The lights got brighter and music got louder, you continued to entice me out of my bubble. It was when I pushed my right hand out you grabbed my hand and yanked me out. My heart throbbed to the beat of the music and my eyes became hazy, my heart began to corrode.

My friend stepped aside and you took over. You took my mobile number on the pretence that you had jokes to share, my friend assured me all would be fine. I looked to my bubble it was still there, I suppose I could give my number just this once to your kind.

You sent me jokes that made me laugh, sometimes once, sometimes twice, sometimes thrice, slowly, slowly gaining my confidence. You saw that I was still attached to my bubble, unlike the people in your world. You texted me praises and wanted to shower me with gifts, but I still cautiously coyly refused.

You used my friend as bait to lure me away from that bubble and that was it! You grabbed me tight and took me on a whirlwind flight. The bright lights blinded me, my chest constricted and my heart grew too heavy to bear. I cried for you to let go, but the harder I cried the crueller you grew. I became blind to the light and all that was left was the thudding of my heart to the loud music of the beat. You let go and I, a hollow shell fumbled in the darkness for my little bubble shell, there I found it in the corner much, much smaller than before. I went back in and cried within, searching for the light. The warmth was not there neither the glow or the colours.

I began to see in shades of grey, and if that was not enough, you forced your way into my delicate bubble and tore it from within. My memories flew, my valuables scattered, my bubble lay in tatters. I was hot, I was cold, I was wet, I was dry, alone and vulnerable exposed to the elemental sky. Forlorn I lay and cried, while you laughed heartily, your hands at my mouth stifling my cry. “Ha, ha, ha my love, I have won, there is no shade where you can run. I am yours and you are mine, come join me on this whirlwind ride”.

I cowered and hid in the darkness alone, bloody tears streaking my now ugly face. I looked to the left and looked to the right, there was nothing but emptiness. How long did I stay a year maybe two? No I stayed a few years maybe more. Then a childhood memory fluttered by and reminded me to look to the sky.

I looked up and could not see, my heart was black as black as could be. I went into sujood and prayed and prayed, till my heart from its blackness ached. I once again turned to my lord in fervour, determined to find him. At last I got an invite to His land, where people clothed in white lived in the glitz and glamour of another kind, where rules were adhered to and tradition was held, all prayers maintained and only the Sovereignty existed, a land where two lovers live one green and the other a sacred black.

I cried at the greatness and pleaded for my innocence. I cried for guidance and the shade of protection. I cried for love and security, all this I did in the land of mercy. My Lord set me forth equipped to renew, the Book, the salah and a heart strengthened anew.

I came to my bubble and I built it again, filled it with taqwa, knowledge and salah. Gone had the old, the things from the past, the old me, the friends and the cares. My bubble has a door where I can step out and step in, but no thanks to you the colours have all run.

Here I stand looking at the world, more wiser, with a heart shedding its rusty flakes, in the hope someday soon it will shine and rekindle anew. I look to the sky for hope and love, and not to the ground where six feet under you lie – the stifler of my cry.

Yours,
A Victim Student of Life


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