by Aasiya Maryam
Bismillah
Imagine this - you are standing in front of a huge wall with a number of doors. On the other side of the wall is the perfect world you have always wished to be in. To step into this world you need to unlock a door. Someone tells you which one of the doors will lead you to the other side and also gives you the key to be used for it but it isn’t easy to unlock it. It takes a lot of effort to do so. Now you know for sure that this door will lead you to that place you will obviously put all the effort that is required to unlock the door, isn’t it?
Our parents are that door, the wall is this dunya and the world on the other side is Jannah[1]. Our attitude, behaviour towards them, the way we deal with them is our key to paradise. All we have to do is unlock the door by being good to them.
BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN US AND OUR PARENTS:
Over the years I have learnt that the friction in our relationship with our parents is created because of reasons like:
1. Misunderstanding: It’s difficult for us to connect with what they are trying to say and why and this it leads to a lot of misunderstandings.
2. Their Cultural mindset and past experiences which conflict with our ideas and mindset.
3. Interference: Now that we are “young adults” we assume that we know the world and are capable of doing everything on our own. So any interference on their part meets with a big NO!
4. Not being able to give parents the time.
Allah(swt) says:
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff,"and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” Surah Al-Isra (17:23) [2] [3]
If we look at this verse we see how Allah has placed parents right next to His position! That is itself enough for us to realise how important our attitude towards our parents is. Allah also commands us not to show even the slightest form of irritation towards them, but we do just the opposite, astaghfirullah! We come across so many other verses in the Quran and hadith with respect to being good to parents, yet we falter!
I was looking after 2 of my nieces sometime back. I could handle them for a maximum half hour only. SubhanAllah , one minute I was grabbing one girl from not falling off the step, next minute I was stopping the other from climbing onto the table. Finally I gave up and that is when it hit me - how did our parents take care of us? I couldn’t handle half an hour of baby-sitting without losing my temper, while our mothers not only carried us for 9 months but think of her state post those 9 months. Once we were born she had double work. Take care of us 24/7 along with looking after the house and cooking for the family! MashaAllah, indeed she IS a real super woman, isn’t she? And not to forget how the little infants test their mothers; my sister sleeps at 3 a.m everyday because her 8 month old son won’t let her sleep and then she gets up at 7 to get her daughters ready for school. SubhanAllah!
When we look at the state of fathers, they come home tired from work and wouldn’t have even taken a breath of relief that we pounce on them with our demands or stories.
Yet, after all that they have faced to bring us up, we as kids are so ungrateful towards them in spite of the fact that they didn’t do that because they were obliged to do it, but because they love us.
With the dawn of the teenage years of our life, we slowly begin to drift away from our parents; we start believing mothers stop us from doing everything and we don’t have time enough to even say a salam to our fathers, astaghfirullah!
Come to think of it, when we were kids Allah tests them with us. The things we do, the annoying stuff we trouble them with, the never ending demands; and when we grow up Allah tests us with them. But we fail the test; we fail real bad.
Child: Ma, I am going out with my friends in the evening!
Mom: No you aren’t. We have guest coming over today!
Child: MOM!!! *walks away angrily, bangs the room door!*
FAIL!
*at the dinner table*
Dad: How was your day, kid?
Child: Good.
Dad: What did you do at school today?
Child: Nothing much.
Dad: What classes did you have?
Child: ugh.. Something! Can we just finish our dinner now, dad?!
FAIL!
Mom: Don’t wear the hijab to school, they might not approve.
Child: *raising her voice* Mom you don’t understand.. hijab is fard.. Let me do what I want to!
FAIL AGAIN!
This is definitely not the right way for us to deal with them and it distances us not only from our parents but also from Allah.
Prophet sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam said: “The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of one’s father and the anger of the Lord is in the anger of one’s father.” [4]
So let’s try to mend our ways before it’s too late. Here are a few tips on things that we can do to bridge the gap between us and our parents:
#1 Help around the house: The best way to mend your relationship with your mother is to help her with the chores. Start with keeping your own room clean (I understand how hard it is, but we have got to do it! :P) and then move on by helping her set up the dinner table or washing the dishes once in a while!
#2 Take care of dad when he comes home: Little things like getting him some snacks to eat or just greeting him with a happy salam will make his day. Make sure you sit with him for some time and talk to him.
#3 Understand their concern: We need to accept and understand that when our parents stop us or advise us about somthing it is because they are concerned about us. Appreciate their concern, and try to make them understand in a respectful manner. Praise Allah, for the fact that they love you, which is why they are concerned.
#4 Stop, Think , React: I had come across this methodology a long time back when we come up with a slogan in order to break some habit. For example, if I am working on not losing my temper too quickly, I tell myself to “Stop, think, react!” So when I get angry, immediately I tell my mind to stop, think twice and then react in a manner which is appropriate. Doing this repetitively will train your mind until it gets used to it, and it will follow the process automatically, inshaAllah.
#5 Learn to deal with criticism: As long as we are in this world, dealing with criticism is of utmost importance. Because not just our parents, but at every step there will be someone or the other who would criticize what we do. Learn to accept it. Take it in a positive manner. If they are right, be humble enough to accept their opinion and if they are wrong then don’t argue with them because you are just going to start a fight with your parents and this is not what you want!
#6 Spend time with them & express yourself: One of the biggest problem we have is that we don’t express ourselves. So, open up to your parents in a positive manner and help them to understand you and try to understand them. Talk to them, listen to their childhood stories, the things they have to say and with time you will even figure out why their attitude is the way it is, inshaAllah!
Dear sisters, remember when we were kids their life revolved around us, and now that we are growing up, and prefer friends over them, it hurts them, A LOT. So let’s not ignore them.
Please don’t be engrossed in your cellphones/laptops as soon as you are home. You’ve spent the entire day at school with your friends anyway, so now give your parents the attention they deserve. They love you and they miss you. Don’t be lost in your friends world but do something for you parents too. Go that extra mile to do something special for them or if you can’t then just spend time with them, that will be good enough to make them happy! Above all make loads of dua for them and ask Allah sincerely to better your relationship with them.
May Allah make us righteous children. May He help us understand them better and make it easy for us to control our anger and deal with them in a manner that is pleasing to Allah (Swt).
"My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small." Surah Al-Isra (17:24) [5]
I'd love to hear your views on this topic. Please post in the comments section below! :)
FURTHER READING & REFERENCES:
[1]Parents: Your door to paradise – Sheikh Yasir Qadi
[2]Surah Al-Isra (17:23)
[3]Being the best to your parents – Br. Nouman Ali Khan
[4] Narrated from ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Amr (radi Allahu anhu) [at-Tirmidhi - Classed as Hasan by Sh al-Albaani]
[5] Surah Al-Isra (17:24)
FOR THE PARENTS:
Speaking the common language – Br. Nouman Ali Khan
Bismillah
Imagine this - you are standing in front of a huge wall with a number of doors. On the other side of the wall is the perfect world you have always wished to be in. To step into this world you need to unlock a door. Someone tells you which one of the doors will lead you to the other side and also gives you the key to be used for it but it isn’t easy to unlock it. It takes a lot of effort to do so. Now you know for sure that this door will lead you to that place you will obviously put all the effort that is required to unlock the door, isn’t it?
Our parents are that door, the wall is this dunya and the world on the other side is Jannah[1]. Our attitude, behaviour towards them, the way we deal with them is our key to paradise. All we have to do is unlock the door by being good to them.
BRIDGING THE GAP BETWEEN US AND OUR PARENTS:
Over the years I have learnt that the friction in our relationship with our parents is created because of reasons like:
1. Misunderstanding: It’s difficult for us to connect with what they are trying to say and why and this it leads to a lot of misunderstandings.
2. Their Cultural mindset and past experiences which conflict with our ideas and mindset.
3. Interference: Now that we are “young adults” we assume that we know the world and are capable of doing everything on our own. So any interference on their part meets with a big NO!
4. Not being able to give parents the time.
Allah(swt) says:
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff,"and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” Surah Al-Isra (17:23) [2] [3]
If we look at this verse we see how Allah has placed parents right next to His position! That is itself enough for us to realise how important our attitude towards our parents is. Allah also commands us not to show even the slightest form of irritation towards them, but we do just the opposite, astaghfirullah! We come across so many other verses in the Quran and hadith with respect to being good to parents, yet we falter!
I was looking after 2 of my nieces sometime back. I could handle them for a maximum half hour only. SubhanAllah , one minute I was grabbing one girl from not falling off the step, next minute I was stopping the other from climbing onto the table. Finally I gave up and that is when it hit me - how did our parents take care of us? I couldn’t handle half an hour of baby-sitting without losing my temper, while our mothers not only carried us for 9 months but think of her state post those 9 months. Once we were born she had double work. Take care of us 24/7 along with looking after the house and cooking for the family! MashaAllah, indeed she IS a real super woman, isn’t she? And not to forget how the little infants test their mothers; my sister sleeps at 3 a.m everyday because her 8 month old son won’t let her sleep and then she gets up at 7 to get her daughters ready for school. SubhanAllah!
When we look at the state of fathers, they come home tired from work and wouldn’t have even taken a breath of relief that we pounce on them with our demands or stories.
Yet, after all that they have faced to bring us up, we as kids are so ungrateful towards them in spite of the fact that they didn’t do that because they were obliged to do it, but because they love us.
With the dawn of the teenage years of our life, we slowly begin to drift away from our parents; we start believing mothers stop us from doing everything and we don’t have time enough to even say a salam to our fathers, astaghfirullah!
Come to think of it, when we were kids Allah tests them with us. The things we do, the annoying stuff we trouble them with, the never ending demands; and when we grow up Allah tests us with them. But we fail the test; we fail real bad.
Child: Ma, I am going out with my friends in the evening!
Mom: No you aren’t. We have guest coming over today!
Child: MOM!!! *walks away angrily, bangs the room door!*
FAIL!
*at the dinner table*
Dad: How was your day, kid?
Child: Good.
Dad: What did you do at school today?
Child: Nothing much.
Dad: What classes did you have?
Child: ugh.. Something! Can we just finish our dinner now, dad?!
FAIL!
Mom: Don’t wear the hijab to school, they might not approve.
Child: *raising her voice* Mom you don’t understand.. hijab is fard.. Let me do what I want to!
FAIL AGAIN!
This is definitely not the right way for us to deal with them and it distances us not only from our parents but also from Allah.
Prophet sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam said: “The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of one’s father and the anger of the Lord is in the anger of one’s father.” [4]
So let’s try to mend our ways before it’s too late. Here are a few tips on things that we can do to bridge the gap between us and our parents:
#1 Help around the house: The best way to mend your relationship with your mother is to help her with the chores. Start with keeping your own room clean (I understand how hard it is, but we have got to do it! :P) and then move on by helping her set up the dinner table or washing the dishes once in a while!
#2 Take care of dad when he comes home: Little things like getting him some snacks to eat or just greeting him with a happy salam will make his day. Make sure you sit with him for some time and talk to him.
#3 Understand their concern: We need to accept and understand that when our parents stop us or advise us about somthing it is because they are concerned about us. Appreciate their concern, and try to make them understand in a respectful manner. Praise Allah, for the fact that they love you, which is why they are concerned.
#4 Stop, Think , React: I had come across this methodology a long time back when we come up with a slogan in order to break some habit. For example, if I am working on not losing my temper too quickly, I tell myself to “Stop, think, react!” So when I get angry, immediately I tell my mind to stop, think twice and then react in a manner which is appropriate. Doing this repetitively will train your mind until it gets used to it, and it will follow the process automatically, inshaAllah.
#5 Learn to deal with criticism: As long as we are in this world, dealing with criticism is of utmost importance. Because not just our parents, but at every step there will be someone or the other who would criticize what we do. Learn to accept it. Take it in a positive manner. If they are right, be humble enough to accept their opinion and if they are wrong then don’t argue with them because you are just going to start a fight with your parents and this is not what you want!
#6 Spend time with them & express yourself: One of the biggest problem we have is that we don’t express ourselves. So, open up to your parents in a positive manner and help them to understand you and try to understand them. Talk to them, listen to their childhood stories, the things they have to say and with time you will even figure out why their attitude is the way it is, inshaAllah!
Dear sisters, remember when we were kids their life revolved around us, and now that we are growing up, and prefer friends over them, it hurts them, A LOT. So let’s not ignore them.
Please don’t be engrossed in your cellphones/laptops as soon as you are home. You’ve spent the entire day at school with your friends anyway, so now give your parents the attention they deserve. They love you and they miss you. Don’t be lost in your friends world but do something for you parents too. Go that extra mile to do something special for them or if you can’t then just spend time with them, that will be good enough to make them happy! Above all make loads of dua for them and ask Allah sincerely to better your relationship with them.
May Allah make us righteous children. May He help us understand them better and make it easy for us to control our anger and deal with them in a manner that is pleasing to Allah (Swt).
"My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small." Surah Al-Isra (17:24) [5]
I'd love to hear your views on this topic. Please post in the comments section below! :)
FURTHER READING & REFERENCES:
[1]Parents: Your door to paradise – Sheikh Yasir Qadi
[2]Surah Al-Isra (17:23)
[3]Being the best to your parents – Br. Nouman Ali Khan
[4] Narrated from ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Amr (radi Allahu anhu) [at-Tirmidhi - Classed as Hasan by Sh al-Albaani]
[5] Surah Al-Isra (17:24)
FOR THE PARENTS:
Speaking the common language – Br. Nouman Ali Khan
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8 comments:
There is a huge gap between the generations today. Mainly because of technology advancing so fast.
Brilliant article... wonderful tips.
JazakAllah
Alhumdulillah.. JazakAllahu Khair!
this article is excellent, and so true. i wish i had read this some years ago! nevertheless it is still helpful and i hope i remember these points when i meet my parents next, in sha Allaah!
Alhumdulillah, JazakAllahu Khair sis!
inshaAllah I hope so! It served as a way to reflect for me too, alhumdulillah!
nice article.....jazakallah khair sis!!!
Alhumdulillah.. Wa-iyyaki! :)
Masha Allah! Beneficial read.....
Many years ago we were told a story at our sisters halaqah, it goes: A young brother who had just witnessed the birth of his first child ran from the hospital to his mother to kiss and hug her then beg for forgiveness.
Never again could he view his Mom with the same eyes as he used to. Subhanallah! Everything had changed.He could carry the world for her.
Allah in His infinite wisdom categorically commanded submitting our wings of humility to these special people who we can never repay, while respecting and honouring them.
We pray for the love of Allah in the muslim teens' hearts so they can love and respect their parents and earn Jannah as their reward.
Ameen!
JazakaAllahu Khair sis for sharing the beneficial story! SubhanaAllah!
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