Apr 30, 2012

Keeping It Halal

By Bint Ali 

Girl meets boy, and life seems so sweet. Now that he is in her life, no one else exists. All day he is the number one feature of her daydreams; the star of the show. She checks her Facebook to see if he has posted on her wall; and her gaze is always lowered... right on to her phone, checking for his messages. She is his queen, and he is her king. He cherishes her, adores her and cares for her in every way possible. She says she cannot live without him, and with a twinkle in his eyes, he says he feels the same way. She wonders, is this real? 

So romantic, right? 

Sure... If her Prince Charming happens to be her husband. 

And if not? 

She risks losing her reputation, her self-respect, her modesty, her Iman... and worst of all, her akhirah is in grave danger. 

One of the most evil crisis' to come upon the Ummah is that of dating and inappropriate contact between the genders. Whether we are aware of it or not, these relationships are rampant, hidden behind deleted messages and secret hook-ups. Evil surrounds these relationships- from loss of reputation and destruction of modesty, to outright zina and abortion. 

What if it's too late you ask? 

It's never too late to turn to Allah. This article is not about the fiqh of gender interaction (references for that at the end of the article). This is just some advice from one sister to another, to every girl who has non-Mahram "friends" with whom she freely chats to; every girl who sincerely wants to marry for the sake of Allah, but has found herself falling in to the haram in her quest; to all my sisters out there who make excuses as to why they can't keep it halal. Let be real with ourselves, inshaAllah. 

Excuses for Free-mixing and Dating – Let's be real 

But we love each other! 

Yes, you might love each other, but isn't Allah more deserving of your love? Of course you say, knowing full well that Allah deserves your love above everybody and everything else. 

... are some who take (for worship) others besides Allah as rivals (to Allah). They love them as they love Allah. But those who believe, love Allah more (than anything else)…. (Surah Al Baqarah 2:165

Are you using His blessings (sight, speech, movement, intelligence, beauty) to disobey Him? If you love, deeply, truly - Allah - than love everybody else in ways that please Him. Get married if possible, since that is the cure for those in love. 

Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas : Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, "You have seen nothing like marriage for increasing the love of two people.'  Ibn Majah transmitted it. 

Tip: If marriage is not an option, have sabr and don't transgress the limits set by Allah for fleeting feelings. InshaAllah your time will come, and the fire of regret will burn deep in your heart if you fell in to haram while you were seeking the Halal. 

We only talk on the phone/Facebook/text... Isn't that ok? 

Short answer, no. 

You might have pure intentions, hoping to get to know each other for the sake of marriage. The scary fact is, Shaytaan will seize the opportunity if he sees you approaching a potentially sinful situation. Slowly but surely, certain things seem more and more acceptable to you, and you could soon find yourself in a compromising situation that you never would have thought possible. 

Like quicksand, haram relationships are easy to fall in to and hard to get out of (mostly because of the emotional toll). If only we heeded the advice of the One created us, we'd find our lives so much easier. 

And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way. (Al Isra 17:32) 

Tip: Don't even come close to zina- can the advice be any clearer? What starts off “innocently” can lead to zina. Trust that Allah is looking out for your best interest. Begin what you intend to do the right way, so that what follows is right, inshaAllah. If what begins right, ends right, we can hope for the “right” abode in the akhirah - Jannah. 

But we're getting married... eventually! 

In a nutshell - until the imam pronounces you as man and wife - he is to you as every other man is. Would you consider is ok to call Carlos from accounting and have a chat about your favorite movies? Is it ok to meet Imam Bilal at the movies? Late night phone calls and meet ups are off-limits, unless your wali is in on the situation like butter on bread. 

Sisters, don't be fooled in to thinking everything is sweet just because he manned up and proposed (or promised to propose). By Allah, there are girls who give up their dignity, with promises of marriage, and I'm talking about really giving it up. They lost their 'izza for nothing more than promises and feeling lovey dovey - only to find themselves dumped, or in a miserable marriage to someone who doesn't fear Allah, because they were too love-blind to see the red flags. A real man isn't one who can get the girls... a real man is one who fears Allah, especially when emotions are high. 

But he wont want me if we don't communicate. 

Think of your (future) husband as an advocate of your deen - i.e. the closest person to you that will encourage you toward good and steer you away from sin. If this guy fails to encourage piety from the outset, what is it that you are seeking from him? 

If the guy you want to marry pressures you to communicate with him outside of your wali, he's forcing you in to a corner. On one hand, you want to protect your izza and your Iman. On the other hand, is him. Does that sound like a good deal to you? 

Your wali is there for a reason (actually, quite a few reasons). He is supposed to deal with your suitors, and act as a chaperone, to avoid any haram contact. 

Tip: Utilise your wali to safeguard your Iman, hopefully attaining barakah in your marriage by doing things in accordance to Islam. Don't taint your future marriage by planting the seeds of haram, because eventually you will have to reap them. 

I can't find anyone else but him... 

As for those who fear they can’t find anybody else, may Allah send you a righteous brother soon, Ameen. It's tempting to cling on to the first decent guy that shows interest, but don't settle for anyone who makes you compromise your Deen. 

Tip: Be upfront with all suitors. Let them know your wali will be present at all times during the pre-marital meeting. Make sure your wali understands his role properly, which isn't to keep a brick wall between you and your intended, but to act as your guardian. There are no excuses for being in seclusion (khalwa) with a non-Mahram for the sake of getting to know them. 

Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab: Rasulullah (SAW) said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third." (Al-Tirmidhi 3118) 

But everyone else is doing it... 

I find it appropriate to repeat the words of my mother, and just about everybody else's mother, "If everybody jumps off a bridge, will you jump too?". Cliche, sure, but they had a point. Just because other people are engaging in haram, it doesn't make it ok for you to follow. You'll only add to your bad deeds, and theirs too. What if the same people you choose to follow in this life, turn out to be the ones you have no choice but to follow in the next? And what of these same people are thrown into fire - what will your situation be? 

Tip: Keep good company, stay amongst people who understand the seriousness of disobeying Allah and His messenger sal Allahu alayhi wa salaam. Reflect on the famous Hadith of the perfume and the blacksmith: 

Narrated Abu Musa: Allah's Apostle said, "The example of a good companion (who sits with you) in comparison with a bad one, is like that of the musk seller and the blacksmith's bellows (or furnace); from the first you would either buy musk or enjoy its good smell while the bellows would either burn your clothes or your house, or you get a bad nasty smell thereof." ...(Ṣahih al-Bukhārī

Good friends are invaluable. A good friend will advise you to have sabr and wait for a suitable situation to come up. A bad friend will encourage you to disobey Allah for a meaningless romance. The difference between such companions is literally the difference between Jannah and Jahannam. Choose wisely, and find success, inshaAllah. 

But it's too late to keep it halal... 

So you've already commenced haram contact and you feel like its too late to stop. Fortunately, you're wrong. 

The contact between you may have become inappropriate, it doesn't have to stay that way. Perhaps Shaytaan got the better of you, and he might have won a few battles, but it doesn't mean he's won the war. You can make it halal, but you have to make a sincere effort. 

1. Within yourself, make it clear that you are 'making it halal' for the sake of Allah. This is vital! You need to be clear about what your goal is, and stay steadfast, because Shaytaan is going to attack you from very angle. Repentance is key – you need to seek forgiveness, regret, and abstain from the sin. The great news is, that you have a Lord who is Ar-Rahman (The Compassionate), Al-Ghaffar (The Pardoner), Al-Afuw (The Forgiving), Al Halim (The Kindly). 
2. Give the number of your wali to this guy, if you're serious about marriage. If not, break contact immediately. Either you're heading for marriage or you're not. Good Muslims are not 'players' - so don't play around. 

By shunning the evil of free mixing and dating, you are reviving a sunnah, and setting a trend of modesty and piety, in a world riddled with evil desires and dangerous sins. Don't underestimate the worth of clinging to the Deen, regardless of whose love you lose... 

...Because a Muslimah Queen like you deserves to be loved and cherished in ways that please Allah, Whose love we cannot live without. And that's real. 

Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." (39:53)

Fatwas and advice
Am I sinning by dating?
Is it ok for brothers and sisters to chat online?
What is the ruling on Facebook?
Dating in Islam

I'd love to hear your views on this topic. Please post in the comments section below! :)


AWESOME, awesome, awesome.
I LOLED for real at the gaze is lowered ;) 
Jazakillah khair. Will definitely be recommending this post :)

"Good Muslims are not 'players' - so don't play around. " Spot on! :D HeheLoved every piece of advice, mashaAllah! :)
JazakaAllahu Khair! :)

Mashallah some really powerful guidance given ..... truly some people don't understand how easy it is to just go astray..

Loved this. Jazzak Allahu khairan. :-)

Asalaamu Alaikum

Now you will have to do a post for non-muslims dating muslims. 

Jazakum Allahu Khairan ... Great article 

Masha allah very nice advise on this sensitive topic. Most guys I met on matrimonial sites ask to be friends first and get to know each other and then finally after some talks and exchange of pictures they are gone... I truly understand the importance of this but it is sad to know that most guys dont need hijabi girls or girls who are not ok to share pictures online rather they want independent woman who goes out and meet them.. May Allah guide these guys. and what suprised me was the guys would pray 5 times and recite Quran with very good tajwid.

Subhan Allah. That's what I've experienced too. They want to "get to know you" but through chat and stuff, see if the two of you match. It's fine to get to know each other but in a halal way and what's strange to me is, they want to take their time too without actually meeting. And they pray, they are active in the community, etc. (just praying and reading Quran isn't enough, brothers!!) And in the end, there are indeed gone. Since I'm a sensitive person, that's hurtful to me. 
I tried Half Our Deen a couple of times, but it never worked out. Things actually ended just 2 days ago. Elhamdulillah, cause the signs were clear. But it was definitely a lesson. I'm not gonna try matrimonial sites again, even HOD (I'm sorry Baba Ali). 

May Allah guide our brothers, ameen. And sisters, be careful. 

Thanks for all your comments sisters.

As for sisters who are having issues on matrimonial sites, may Allah send a righteous, friendly brother your way, ameen. It's actually a blessing that the "players" you encountered checked out of the situation before things got too serious. It's better to see a pesons' true colours before you become a victim in their games.

Thanks for very very good article. Its focuses on real situation. I hope all Muslim brother and sister will take lesson from this. Its an eye opener. Its an inspiring. I love it. I like it. Jazak Allah.

You are requested to share your email id for communication. I have one question and I hope that if you tell something that will be beneficial to my life Isha Allah. Its question my life so please reply.

Alhamdulillah! A most wonderful post! The issues have been dealt with aptly, providing sound advice with correct citations from the Quran & Hadith. Along with that, the advice is also not regressive or anachronistic but is in keeping with the current trends & situations being faced by loads of Muslims everywhere. Jazak Allah khair!
May Allah protect us & guide us all to righteousness. In Sha Allah!

Loooveee it! mashaa Allah

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