May 18, 2011

Pre-Nuptial Knots and Marital Bliss: It Really Does Take Two (and more) to Tango

By Maryam

It was a bitter-sweet day for me. I called a long-time friend that I have known since my high school days. After ten years of waiting to marry the one who proposed to her, it turned out by the will of Allaah that their union as one, was not meant to be. And so, with every difficulty, there is ease, as promised to the believers. She hung on with extreme patience and consistent dua until Allaah blessed her with someone else, during the last ten days in Ramadhan 1431AH.

So, why did she wait so long, or rather, why did both parties (my friend and the brother) wait so long? Well, it was really obvious to their families and close friends that they both wanted to get married to each other. The brother and my close friend were spiritually sound, well educated, and financially stable. Both were ever ready to settle down as husband and wife. But there was a huge stumbling block. A close member of the groom-to-be’s family just could not imagine both getting married and becoming a family. There were consultations here and there, to convince this particular family member but all to no avail. Years went by, and nothing happened. Wedding announcements were ringing in the air from family friends including many of our class mates in high school back then, but no one heard of any wedding announcement from my friend. Yet, she and the brother did not budge to give up each other.

Her family got so worried especially when she clocked thirty. Her younger siblings got married and started their own families. Still, nothing happened from her side. Suddenly, all eyes were on deck. People waited and waited. I also waited. People who knew how close we were, continued to bombard me with questions. It was not easy on me as well though we lived thousands of miles away from each other. There is an African proverb which says,” There are many fish in the ocean”. Basically, this means that if option A does not work out for you, there are other options available at your finger tips that you can choose from. This is my own rough English translation of the African wise proverb. In short, this was the advice my friend’s family kept on repeating to her after she hit thirty.

My dear sisters in Islam, the destiny of Allaah will always come to pass, no matter how we pave our ways to live our lives. So, the moment came when I got the bitter-sweet news about her nikkah. The bitter part of the news was that she and the brother had to part ways due to intense, nasty pressure against their plans for marriage. It had got to a point where the relationship between the brother and some members of his family became strained. My friend’s family too often got upset with her for not moving on after it became so obvious that she was not going to be welcomed assuming she got married to the brother. Then, the sweet part of the news really made my day. SubhanaAllaah! How ironic the story turned out to be.

I was ecstatic when she told me that she got married to a brother who hailed from a completely different tribe and spoke a completely different language from hers.

SubhanaAllaah! The first brother was from her own tribe and spoke the same language but as Allaah would have it, they were just not meant to be husband and wife. Also, the first brother is few years older than my friend whereas, her new profound love that Allaah blessed her with during the month of Ramadhan, was ten years younger than she was. The moment she told me this, I suddenly remembered Khadijah Bint Khuwaylid, radhiAllahu anha, our mother and the wife of Rasululaah, salla laahu alayhe was salam. Subhana Allaah!

My friend sounded happy, confident, and reassured that indeed, Allaah knows best. Indeed, Allaah is the best of all planners and the best of all plotters.

After our phone conversation, I was left deep in thoughts of our world beyond. Marriage in Islam is not a joking matter. Marriage between two people should be based on sincere love, respect, patience, and good relationship. Yes, it takes two to tango as the English saying goes. I would add to that by saying it takes two and more to tango. For a Muslim marriage to survive and weather the storms that every marriage experiences (Fact: There is no perfect, “Alice in Wonderland” marriage), both the wife and husband’s families must fear Allaah, show support, give sincere advice, and practice justice when dealing with their children, especially with their daughters’ and sons’ in-laws. Seriously, the current status of Muslim marriages in our ummah. Be it in the West or near East, all the way from Sub-Saharan Africa to the Arabian Desert, Muslim marriages are hitting the rock. And until we all come together as one big family, either by joining two hearts together on the deen, irrespective of their ethnicities, races, languages, or socio economic status, or by saving failing marriages, which are often ruined by marriage breakers, then we will be failing ourselves and failing the future of our children.

I'd love to hear your views on this article. Please tell me in the comments section below :)


subhanAllah...its a beautiful write up sis :) keep up with the good work,may Allah bless you abundantly!

Very Inspiring Sister! One I can relate to, indeed Allah knows best 

This is a great article not only on marriage, but also on patience, mashaAllah. Best wishes from me to your friend! :) May Allah protect us all. Ameen.

Beautiful story, Masha Allah.

amazing story sis.. Indeed am under d sam cndtion. I feel hapy dat she finaly decidd wat had to be done rathr than waiting more.Insha'Allah make dhua fa my Naseeb too sis.. A lesson fa myslf formost.. Jazakallah Khayr..

Indeed they say marriages are made in heaven.
Subra is the key.
Subhanallah :)

These kind of stories make me go awwww!! May Allah swt bless the couple in this life and in the next! Ameen! :)

A year or two ago not far from where I live I heard of a marriage where the couple were married in the morning and divorced in the evening, so sad.

thank you for this beautiful story, sis Maryam:*

This was a very good article. It shows that there is no rush to get married to someone that your not sure of. That Allah(swt) will guide the patient. I also see that the age hadn't mattered; just like that of Khadijah radiAllahu anha. These stories a very beneficial to our young women and new converts. This a guidance for all. Alhumdulilah.

Beautiful Article Sister and made my heart numb. I personally know someone where the brother married the sister with the consent of both families but later within 2 months decided her to divorce and not take her to divorce given the excuse that some family members weren't approving of this marriage & she's not welcomed in his home :( Subhan'Allah I really wish people took marriage seriously & fear Allah!

Masha allah! very inspiring story for me too sister Maryam. I have seen lot of sisters in my community who are aged above 30years and are still unmarried. that includes the case with me.. relatives and friends keep waiting for the news of when the girls are getting married and keep blaming parents that why are the making the girl sit at their house and making her age.. Surely Allah knows best what is in the hearts and He will show us way Insha allah!

Salams, A very intriguing article. I myself have just come out of a situation like the first relationship you mentioned. Allahu Akbar! Throughout all the tears, worry, heartbreak and wanting to be accepted, no matter the lengths you go to, if it is not destined for you, it will never get you. Looking back i realise that Allah swt was protecting me, even though my heart felt it was crushed to pieces. He swt knows His slaves better than we know ourselves and I am so ever grateful for that fact. You can love and live and the best thing you can take away from it are your experiences, the good times and hard lessons you have achieved along the way. Allah swt kareem, and although its been 2 years of battling to get married, ive decided that I need to look after the future 'me' and chose a spouse and family that will truely be united by la illaha il Allah and have the mutual respect, love and encouragment required for a successful marriage. I am again single, and bridging on 30 but I have firm belief that Allah swt is saving me for something better and more fulfilling. I trust in His plan for me alhumdullillah. :)

Slm, I had the same situation in my younger years, I remember being torn apart and hating my parents for not allowing me to marry the man I had been infatuated with for years because he was not from my culture.
after I heard he wanted to marry me too, I had to really decide between my parents or him, I turned to istikhara, my mind was made immediately, my consultation with Allah made me realise that I was not here to please myself, whatever Allah decided for me was good, and so to please My parents was to please Allah (swt), I am happy with Allahs decision in His infinite wisdom, I am now able to defeat anything because my purpose of life is not to chase the dunya but to work for akhira, whatever that may entail.

How is she doing now??

I mean...10yrs were spent into nurturing a relationship...emotions and whatnot was invested into was she able to move on?? is it possible to love again? 

I pray that she lives a life which is always surrounded by the Mercy of Allah...ameen!

As salaamu alaykum Sana,

Alhamdulilaah, she is very happy in her new marriage. Allaah tested by with a miscarriage. She passed the test and got pregnant again. Wa lilaahi'l hamd.
Yes, 10 solid years were spent nurturing a relationship that was supposed to be a marriage. But until Allaah says, "Kun Fayakun", - "Be! And it is!", nothing will happen.

As salaamu alaykum, Neenz.

Allaah will grant u the best bi idhnillaah. Hold firm onto Allaah's rope. He knows what is best for you.

As salaamu alaykum Princess Sweet27.

Age should not be a barrier but unfortunately for most of us, we get too attached to petty things and we don't learn our lessons until we hear other people's stories. Really, if u meet this sister in person, u would never believe she went through this whole ordeal.
She sounds so happy on the phone anytime we chat together.

As salaamu alaykum,

I totally concur with you, Umm_imad
Salatul Istikharah is the key for seeking guidance of Allaah in any decision-making.

If only we knew the rewards behind these profound treasures, we would not want to miss doing them.

Just two rakats of salatul istikharah, can save one from future calamities.

As salaamu alaykum Fhanhaz,

Yep, no rush @ all. It's cultural to be worried about the age. Yes, it's good to marry while young but the reality is that not all ladies will be able to marry young bcos there are many "fake" men out there calling themselves practising Muslim men.

As salaamu alaykum Amatullah,

Lao haola wala quwata illaah billaah.

As salaamu alaykum Ika Sko,

Afwan. May we learn lessons from other people's pains and life experiences, aameen.

As salaamu alaykum,

Very sad. Top cut it short though, they were not meant for each other.

As salaamu alaykum Nasmira,

And yours too, aameen!

As salaamu alaykum, Shahiduzma2004,

Na'am, sabr is also key.

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