THE HARAM DIARY (PART 5)

By Syed Faraz Luqman

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Bismillah

Day 5: Ramadhan 24st 1433 / August 12th 2012 

Havent spoken much to mom dad yet. Due to the low phone battery, all I could manage was turning it on for about a minute each day to see dad’s sms and close it again.

As of today morning, I’ve reached a ceasefire agreement with my nose but my throat keeps threatening to keep the rebellion alive. I don’t recognize my voice anymore, but that I guess, is also due to the fact that I’ve not heard it very often in the past 4-5 days.

Baba also isn't feeling much well. He leaves in the nights and comes back during the noon. Ali also keeps popping in and out. Mamajaan (Ethiopian uncle) is awesome. Makes sure the iftar serving team gives me attention even if I'm away or busy praying. He makes sure my iftar is complete with enough water, labaan and gavah (strong Arabic coffee). Today he was offered juice by 2 young Ethiopian brothers in the front saff, he offered it on to me. I refused and he forced me to drink it like a parent forces a 3-4 year old toddler.

The Arabic language (and my lacking ability in it) keeps me isolated. Its evident I don’t speak it but men like Baba, Ali and Mamajaan don't look at it as a problem. 2 new friends. Ibrahim and Hussain. Ibrahim is a young man from Saudi I believe, had a very nice conversation with him. In Arabic. Yet I understood 55% of his words and 90% of his meaning. He was advising me in deen and also advised me to learn Arabic to understand the Qu’ran. How I wish I could tell him how desperate I was to learn it too.

Hussain is the guy you all know, the one who’s full of life, smiles and always helping everyone he sees. He has a beautiful 1 year old daughter Tasneem, whose picture he carries in his phone.

Both these new friends asked if I was married. They were surprised I wasn't and said they would pray hard for me to get wed soon. Haha !!

The drive inside me is changing. There is a slow desire picking flame to be more than what I am.

I realized my life is very ordinary. I work and study for a prospect of a better job, to have a family, live a life of comfort. Have kids who will grow up under mom dad’s shade. When I die, I don't think I’ll have made any worthwhile contribution to this world…not this way.

Need to do something which will help me and my family in Aqirah. Its not a favour on the world as much as it’s a favour I'll be doing on myself and my loved ones. I don't know how, but I know I cannot continue living like this.

Thoughts of joining any organization are inviting but there is more that I wish to do.

Life should be more…much much more.

I will not be content if I have not lived more than the ordinary. Not after the superlative blessings Allah has bestowed me with.

On my way back from the nafil tawaaf yesterday, I saw a janaza (dead body) Was walking a bit too fast through a crowd so didn't see it well enough.

Today…I saw 4. It was chilling up to my spine. I realized as I stood and saw the 4 strangers who’d passed on to a better life in such a beautiful month, that I should be there in that shroud someday (maybe today, maybe tomorrow…Allah knows better)

But am I ready to die? Is my left shoulder heavier with the filled books of my sins than my right shoulder?

The words rang true in my head, “Remember death often, the destroyer of all pleasures”

The illusion of an everlasting life in this world should be shattered.

But the bigger illusion of living long enough to fulfil all desires (of the nafs) and then beg for forgiveness and THEN do your duties for the deen to become a true muslim in the greying age, that illusion should be nuked.

“Allahumma innaka afu’wun tuhibbul afwa fa’fuanni”

My Lord, you verily love to forgive, so please forgive me. 

Aameen

Qu’ran recitation Update: Reached Surah Furqan (No. 25)

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