Oct 20, 2013


By Alawiya Abdalla



We both just stood there waiting for the other to add something to the awkwardness that filled the air after Fifi asked “where do I think I was going”

“It’s none of your business where I was going if you ask me in that tone” I felt myself thinking it but instead I said -
“No where, just going to explore the area that’s all”
“Dressed like that??” She asks disgustingly while scanning me from head to toe, what is up with everyone scanning me!!!!!

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” I ask her in astonishment and looking at myself to see if I was naked or something!
“What’s right about it?? That’s the question” She replies with a rhetorical question.
“Alhamdulilah there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not showing any flesh!” I answer her feeling very surprised at these people’s way of reacting to my clothing.

“Do you think you can just leave this house looking like that? This is a respectable neighbourhood, we don’t want no Taliban looking people coming out of our house” She says venomly.
“TALIBAN?? Exaggerating much?” I ask her sarcastically.
“Listen you. I allowed this whole thing to happen because my son is in love with you, I'm warning you not to defy my orders from now on” She mutters the words like daggers.
“I don’t take orders from anyone but Allah” I respond to her threats.

At this moment My uncle Khalifa appears at the stairway, looking like he just woke up.

“What the hell is going on at this hour?? Fifi why are you up?” Asks Uncle Khalifa, looking blurry eyed as if he just woke up.

“Look what you and my son brought home! SHE wants to leave the house looking like this AND at this hour” She says while gesturing with her hand up and down to make a point of how I look like.
“Fifi what are you doing at this hour?” Asks Uncle Khalifa again??
“Did you NOT hear what I just said??” Replies Fifi in an annoyed voice and looking at him like he has lost his mind or something.

All he does is just stare into space! And this seems to agitate her even more.

I interrupt the silence and I say -
“I’m going, Salamu Alykum” I say it while opening the door and closing it really fast before she gets a chance to reply.

I get out the house to be greeted with a VERY cold breeze, walah it looked very sunny from the inside. I guess I should have expected it since we are in the middle of September but it is freeeeeeezing.

So I rub my hands together to try and warm myself, even though I put on my very Egyptian jacket AKA very light for this type of winter! But what is a girl to do ey?
As I was rubbing my hands I see an old lady looking at me, I smile at her and then remember that she probably cannot see me with my Niqab on.

But surely she can make out that I'm smiling right? NOPE SHE CAN’T because the next thing that comes out of her mouth is -

“SWEET JESUS!!” She says it with her eyes wide open.

OH COME ON!! What is these people’s problem?? Since I got here I am greeted in the same way! Is a piece of clothing that unsettling to them?
I make my way forward quickly before she starts fainting or something. I take quick steps towards what looks like a bus stop?
I sit on the bench, I am SITTING waiting for the bus! Subhanallah there is definitely NO SITTING policy in Egypt. Actually it is not a policy, it is just….well….You just HAVE to be at the front of the queue, otherwise you will be CRUSHED before you even get to dangle on the bus!

I was day dreaming and comparing Egypt and England, when I spotted the 83 bus coming coming to a stop near me.

The door opened and I saw people coming off the bus from the middle of the bus, so I figured from the look of the bus driver that I am supposed to get IN the bus from the front.

So I get in and looked at the bus driver to give me a clue of what I need to do! But No clue so far and it has probably been 40 seconds or something.

The English looking driver stares at me, and after what seemed to be like a minute gone he says.

“What do you want lady?”
“Errm, I wanna go into town. What do I need to do?” I ask dumbly.
“Are you having a laugh or something?” He asks looking at me up and down.
“No Sir, I wanna know how much is the bus fare to get me into the central of the town. And also what is this area called?” I ask him hoping he’d be kind enough to give me the answer.

“EFF OFF AND GET OFF THE BUS” He tells me loudly.
“Eff off? What does that mean?” I ask.
“You know, F**** off?” He says smugly.
“OH! Astaghfurullah!! I'm getting off this very rude bus right now” I answer not believing that I got to hear the first swear word from England, and I KNOW what that means!
“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out” He tells me before shutting the door when I got off.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY??? If getting on the bus proved to be so challenging, how is finding a job gonna be like?
I head back to the house feeling defeated already, but I quickly pull myself together and I plan to wake up my “husband” to take me around.

I will just do a little threatening of showing my skin, that will sure make him jump out of bed and ready to take me out in no time :D


This is not good! This has been happening to me lately and now I really need to go to my GP and ask for a referral  I cannot even bring myself to say the word, I know what it could be but I just cannot bring myself to believe it.

It started with little things like forgetting to put the key in my Jaguar, when I tried to open it the other day. I kept trying to open it with my Mercedes car keys, and I got very agitated when it did not work. I told myself that it happens to the best of people, and that I should not worry about it so much.

But then I find myself getting quiet and staring into space frequently for no apparent reason, wondering what is going on around me or repeating questions to my employees or in this case my wife!

Could it be that I have……No it cannot possibly be it. Well, I hope it is not because it would be a disaster for my family and myself.
No need to make myself all paranoid, I am sure there is a perfectly good and reasonable explanation for this behaviour. Meanwhile I really do not feel like dealing with Fifi right now!!

“Why did you let her go out looking like that? We live in Hendon!! This is a posh area and we are surrounded by Jews khalifa. They might just be calling the police right this minute” She reminds me.
“It’s a free country, let her do what she wants” I tell her in an dismissive way that seems to make her more angry.
“You and your weird ways of protecting her! Arrghh I don’t understand you” She tells me in a loud voice which triggers another episode of staring into the air.
“KHALIFA!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?? WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU THESE DAYS?” She says it thinking I am doing this on purpose, but all I am feeling is confusion and frustration.

I walk away without saying a word to her, to escape the questions and the drama. But as I climb the stairs, I hear the front door opening and I hear Fifi laughing at someone but I do not bother to check who it is as I get busy with calling my GP ASAP!


I am sleeping off last night’s bender. To be honest I drank more than usual to make myself forget and prepared for what is going to come.
The deal with Kevin did not go as I expected it to go, turns out he does not want me to sell weed as I had hoped. He wants me to be in his other business, to be precise he wants me to be in the loan shark business.

I was not happy, and I told him that I am not willing to beat up people to cough up the debts they owe him! I might be a lot of things but I am not a merciless thug.
Of course Kevin did not like the fact that I am refusing his offer very much, so he blatantly told me that I should not have come and asked to join his team in the first place. That now I know what is really happening, he could have me beaten up or worse killed to protect himself.

So after a lot persuasion, he agreed that I can just guard and be on the look out while his men carry out the work. The idea makes me want to heave but there is nothing I can do right now, and that is why I spent the night drinking and NOW I am paying the price!!

I was in deep sleep when I felt something poking me!
“Good morning Osman, can I talk to you?” Asks ninja while poking me with something.
“OUUUCH, STOP POKING ME” I order her feeling like my head is going to explode.
“Ehem. I just wanted to ask a favour” She says politely
“What time is it” I ask half opening my eyes to stop the sun from hurting my eyes since she decided to open the window ALL THE WAY.
“It’s 7 O’clock in the morning, time to get up and freshen up to see what Rizq door Allah has opened for us today” She replies cheerfully.

“OK, first of all what is Rizq and second of all ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH?” I ask her trying to work out if she is actually joking or is that statement for real.
“Oh sorry, Rizq means means everything a person makes use of, for example, the money he earns, the clothes he wears, the roof over his head….” She blabs something which I cannot be bothered to hear as I start to close my eyes again.

“Ehem, excuse me Mr Osman. You need to wake up this minute” She demands.
“And why should I do that your highness?” I say sarcastically at her way of speaking.
“Because I need to have a tour of the area, and the bus driver thinks I'm “having a laugh” as you all English people put it” She says it seriously.
“And that is my problem because???” I ask her thinking when is she gonna get lost man.

“You’re my husband right? I mean you’re my PRETEND husband and I desperately need to find a job to support my family back in Egypt. It would be really kind if you could help me” She explains politely AGAIN.

“Look ninja, NOBODY wakes me up at this ungodly hour because EVERYONE knows I come home at 4 o’clock in the morning so NO ONE dares to wake me, but I’ll let this little blip pass from you as you’re new and all” I explain the house rules to her.

“Ermm why did you say ungodly? That’s haram you know” She reminds me.
“NOOO?? REALLY? AM I GONNA GO TO HELL?” I ask her with an exaggerated surprise to my tone.
“In fact yes you will” She replies in a serious tone.
“Look I'm gonna go back to sleep, and you can leave me alone right now Okay?” I tell her as nicely as possible.

“Fine, since I'm gonna stay in this room all day I’ll have to take off my clothes because it’s too hot to stay in one room for a long period of time. I hope you don’t mind” She informs me while getting ready to take her clothes off.

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!! I’ll get up, but only for today. I swear to god if you do this again I'm not responsible for what I'm gonna do” I get up quickly at the thought of her getting undressed.
“Jazakallah, you won’t regret this” She tells me appreciably.
“Yeah Yeah whatever” I reply.

I get in the shower, to try and cure my hangover and as I try to get out of the bathroom to get dressed I see ninja ducking beside the bed so she doesn't have to see my body and I start laughing at the sight.

“You’re not gonna be trouble are you? You’re not gonna cause a scene?” I ask her feeling anxious at the thought of taking a freshie around town.
“Me? Trouble? I will certainly not be any cause of trouble I can assure you” She replies still hiding.
Oh I'm soo gonna regret taking this particular freshie into town let me tell you!!!

I'd love to hear your views on this topic. Please post in the comments section below! :)


bEautifullll... n now m excited to know what will happen next!!!! :P
May Allah Bless You <3

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