Jun 23, 2013


By Alawiya Abdalla

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I went home FURIOUS at Ibrahim for his deliberate attempt to ruin my chances with Hamadi
Scratch that__ as He RUINED it, he did not JUST attempt to ruin it. He RUINED it

How did he do that so quickly as well? And what is up with Hamadi? It is like someone asking him “Hey, I'm thinking of proposing to the girl you love you know. Is that OK with you?” And him replying “Yeah why not. Fair enough I guess”
No fighting for me, no HEY THAT IS MY CHICK DUDE
What was the point of him? Why did he want to meet me in the first place? He never made his feelings clear with me before, but I still expected a little bit of a fight

I feel like such a fool
I feel like they were both talking about me and laughing at me behind my back
I feel so gutted that Ibrahim could do such thing! I always knew he was a little bit full of himself, but cruel?
Feelings___So many feelings
I never thought he could be cruel
And Pan cake husband? What is that about?
Ibrahim has either lost his mind, or he is having a massive laugh on my expense. Either way, I do not want to find out what he meant by Pan Cake husband as I do not

I really do not
Okay maybe a little
I feel like a fool for saying it, but I am intrigued
Obviously I did not let him know that, I actually left him standing where he was screaming

The whole day was utter madness
I was in a bad mood as I left Edgware Mall
I was in a bad mood in the bus, and I was in a bad mood when I arrived home
As soon as I entered my house, I went to my room straight away and I shut the door behind me
I just did not wanna face anyone, especially Luul who would probably want to talk about her guy
As much as I am happy for her walahi, I feel like my heart would rip into pieces if she started talking about her future husband
I just thought maybe__ just maybe I would be the first out of my sisters to get married
But that looks like it is NEVER going to happen, Ibrahim’s joke proposal does not count.
I can just imagine the looks of pity from people

The whispers
“Your time will come, Inshallah, Jawahir”
“I can understand why no one proposed to her. It’s unfortunate that she’s dark, otherwise she would have been beautiful”

As you can see, this is such an unsettling time for me right now so I would appreciate it if I was not to be disturbed
I will just go back to normal tomorrow, Inshallah, not today__Not when I feel like my whole life has gone berserk


Okay, I do not know what I just did back there but it does not look good
I am sure a lot of you were thinking “Erm, that is NOT the best way to propose to a girl dude” 
I know that! but what was I supposed to do? That was the ONLY thing that sprung into my mind at the time

But do you know what__
I am not confused or shocked
I am actually glad I proposed to Jawahir
It is like I have been asleep all this time, and suddenly I am wide awake
How have I not noticed Jawahir before? Subhanallah, she is the total opposite of my ex wife! Jawahir is engaging, funny and kind. Salwa was not 

And talking about Salwa, she got married to her lover by the way
AND she is pregnant
I heard it by accident, when Khadija and mum were whispering in the kitchen. Of course they have no idea that the man she married is her lover, but I have asked around and found out his identity from mutual friends.

It was devastating to be honest with you
I always knew that she would marry him at the back of my mind, but I never expected her to ACTUALLY do it
And that is what makes me determined to marry Jawahir, Inshallah
She is the type of girl who would NEVER do such thing
She is too sweet and kind, and I can trust her with my life and honour. There is just the tiny problem of convincing her to marry me
Not only that! I have to convince her that I will never fall in love with her
I also have to convince her that this is all such a wonderful idea
And that being my Pan cake wife is such a terrific idea
I mean how hard can that be?


It has been 2 days and there is no sign of Ibrahim or his Pan cake___I mean proposal
I knew it! I just knew that he was having a laugh at my expense
Quite frankly I do not care. I have my job as a learning support teaching assistant to keep me busy, and I could not be happier helping little Saeed
I have gotten quite close with this little man, Mashallah
He is just so sweet and lovable
He is starting to look me in the eye now Even if it is just for a second, he does it more frequent now, Alhamdulilah
Mashallah, Mona (his sister) must be working extra hard with him at home
I just love helping him at school. He is the most chilled out Autistic child, according to teachers

He motivates me to be better, he teaches me patience___He is a very special child indeed
He makes me LOVE my job, makes my day bearable. Above all, he makes me appreciate what I have got in terms of my health and my sisters. I felt so bad for locking myself away when I came back that day from Edgware, when I knew Luul wanted to speak to me about her man

Working with Saeed for just one day fixed me straight away
I went home yesterday, and I asked Luul about the guy who wants to marry her. She told me that they broke up, but she never told me why and I didn't press her
I know how it feels when something ends suddenly
The end of yet another school day came before I knew it, and as usual I am going home feeling exhausted
I would normally drop by Asha’s house for a little chit chat, but thanks to Ibrahim that is RUINED now
I just cannot face him being there all smug and sneaky
Alhamdulilah, he did not come to school today AND the day before


I arrive at my house, still sending evil thoughts towards Ibrahim telepathically
I open the door and go to the living room to find my mum. As I walk towards the living room, I hear mumblings coming from it
I peer to see whom it belongs to, and that is when I notice the familiar fly__I mean Ibrahim
“Jawahir come and greet your future husband, Inshallah” My mum calls out to me, winking and biting her lower lip at the same time
I go in the living room, and I am greeted with ululations (Joyous sound muslims make to express celebration) coming from Khadija and aunty Halima
“Come here habibti” Aunty Halima takes me in a bear hug “I've always wanted you for one of my sons” She whispers it in my ears. Khadija springs another ululation out of her mouth

“Can I speak with my future wife in private for a second please?” Ibrahim asks my mum, all dressed up and may I add looking dashing in a traditional Thawb ( The traditional clothing worn by most Muslim men)

“Of course son” Approves my mum “You love birds need your privacy of course” Winks my mum
I cannot be bothered to think about what she meant, when I can see the obvious discomfort on Ahmed's face when mum uttered the word “privacy”

We go to the dining room, where we can talk privately. Ibrahim smiles at me innocently, and I reward him with a look that women usually give their husbands right before they decide to kill them. “I can see that you are obviously not in a cheerful mood, so I'm just gonna come out with it” He says it nervously, before taking a piece of paper out of his pocket (The author doesn't know if a Thawb has a pocket, but she reckons this one has)

“Jawahir, Allah SWT says” Starts Ibrahim, before reading this verse from the Quran

“[5:5] Today, all good food is made lawful for you. The food of the people of the scripture is lawful for you. Also, you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of previous scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity, not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers. Anyone who rejects faith, all his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers”

“And I feel like you are all of those things Jawahir, I'm just surprised I've never noticed you before” He continues to speak, as I continue to feel bewildered

A good few minutes pass awkwardly before I manage to ask - “Oh wow, this is not a joke? What about the whole Pan cake thing?”

“You see Jawahir, I have had this whole concept in my head for a while” He explains “I wanted to find a girl who was willing to give me a child, and I can be her Pan cake husband” 
“Still don’t get it mate” I probe him further
“When people cook Pan cakes, they usually dismiss the first Pan cake because it gets cold by the time they reach the new one right?” He starts to explain this bizzare concept
“I am willing to be YOUR Pan cake husband. Meaning, I'm gonna give you the option to dismiss me from your life whenever your choose as long as you keep me in my child’s life, Inshallah”

“Let’s be honest, marriages these days don’t last. I am the perfect example for it, so I do not want to pressure the person who wants to marry me into thinking that she is being forced to stay with me” He continues explaining his concept

“I never EVER want you to feel pressured into thinking that you are trapped with me, I want you to be honest with me and tell me if you wanna leave me straight away. You won’t need to cheat or sneak around to avoid me, everything should be out in the open and discussed freely without any discomfort. That’s why I am willing to be your Pan cake husband” He finishes his statement with a smile.

“What if the lady in question decides that she wants to stay with you?” I ask curiously.
“Well then, I've struck gold” He genuinely seems happy that I asked that question
“Why did you get divorced Ibrahim?” I suddenly feel the urge to ask that question, I do not know why? Perhaps I'm leaning towards accepting this bizzare proposal
“That’s the one thing I can not tell you Jawahir. All you need to know is, I will give you enough support and care and I will absolutely LOVE any child you may bear, Inshallah” He answers honestly. 
“So you will NEVER fall in love with me if I accept?” I ask him dreading the answer
“I want you to be patient with me Jawahir. And I promise you, once I love you I won’t hesitate to let you know, Inshallah” He replies with such conviction, that I feel speechless
This seems like such a bad idea, and I know I should have refused there and then but I asked him to give me one day to make up my mind instead

I did the Istikhara prayer that night, and I waited what would come out of it.
I expected a dream or something, but I saw nothing__
I felt a sense of relief wash all over me instead__

This is Ibrahim__The guy I have been in love with secretly all my life
He is asking me to marry him__For some reason I have no explanation for, I accepted him with all my heart.
All this talk about Pan cake husband MUST have stemmed from his first marriage, and I am determined to prove him wrong as always


Ya Allah help me start my life with Ibrahim and fill our lives with love and blessings
I entered married life 3 months after, and the wedding day was so beautiful. I wore a white flowery Hijab, complete with a white dress AND sleeves

I just wanted to put the past behind me__Little did I know that the past will come back to haunt me, and threaten my whole marriage and my relationship with Ibrahim AND Luul

I'd love to hear your views on my short story. Please post in the comments section below! :)


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