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Jun 30, 2013


By Alawiya Abdalla

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Three months into married life__I am a married guy again yipeeee
What? I am a guy
And this time things are so much different than before, Mashallah. I can totally be myself around Jawahir, there are no awkward moments with her AT ALL__Well, apart from the L word
Everything is just so easy with Jawahir, that I do not wanna spoil it with unnecessary verbs
Why do people have to tell each other “I love you” anyway
Why do things between husbands and wives be defined by a word?

Love__The problem with me is I do not know what love means anymore
I went heart first, my brain could not slow me down with Salwa. My brain never stood a chance
With Jawahir it is the complete opposite. I am going brain first, and my heart is unable to slow me down. Jawahir is so easy on the eye and mind, she is like a conditioner to my soul
Everything about her is simple and sweet, but I have only known danger and recklessness that these feelings are brand new to me
I have had to chase and work extra hard to get any reaction from Salwa, it left me drained at the end. I love spending every minute and second with Jawahir, but I'm terrified of letting my heart go loose once again

That is why I come home later than usual. That is why I avoid the questions that are plastered all over her face everyday. I know she wants to ask me “Why don’t you say it?”
“Why don’t you say it, even if you don’t mean it?”
“Why don’t you say you love me Ibrahim?”
I do not know what to say, except that I am scared__No. I am TERRIFIED.
And I do not even know why! I should be happy__I should be ecstatic__Content__Because Jawahir is pregnant
I SHOULD love my wife, but this constant fear overwhelms me to the point where I HAVE to stay away sometimes
I feel like such a pompous fool. I really do. But I cannot help it


Two months pregnant and I am feeling Okay actually
Okay I lied, who said pregnancy was fun
I want to find that person and__OH YEAH IT WAS KHADIJA
She lied to me__“Pregnancy is a piece of cake” She told me.


Complete and utter lies I tell you
I am not vomiting or anything yet, but I am like a walking disaster
Everything makes me paranoid, and everyone is making me cry for no reason
Especially Ibrahim
He does not say he loves me
He comes home late
I mean he is not horrible to me or anything
He is actually kind and he apologizes whenever he is late, but I still do not understand it
I used to be able to brush it aside 2 months ago, but since I got pregnant I cannot even be bothered to brush my own hair
My hair makes me feel nauseas
This pregnancy is driving me nuts

When I found out I was pregnant, I was elated, Alhamdulilah. But then everything changed. I started feeling bloated and sick. Khadija, my mum and aunty Halima warned me not to sleep on my belly
They also warned me not to eat honey, eggs and tuna
Three of my favourite meals of all time
And the fact that I do not FEEL pregnant, apart from being an emotional wreck is making me even MORE paranoid  Why am I not fat  I look at myself in the mirror, and I look like a normal sized human being  This is the first time in my life that I actually wanna be fat

Well I do OKAY. And when I ask Ibrahim “Do I look fat to you?” He replies “No you are so skinny Mashallah, did I marry a supermodel or what!” Oh please I do not want that nonsense talk right now! I want my husband to tell me I am fat And I also want him to tell me that he loves me.


At the beginning of our marriage life, I was OK with his inability to utter those words. It was fun, and we had a good banter and laugh. I did not care about silly little NON important words
I wondered why people make such a big fuss about it

Now I know

I guess I convinced myself that I am OK with it, when I really was not 
I do not know if it is the hormones or something else entirely, but I feel like I would die of thirst if Ibrahim does not say “I love you” to me any time soon. I feel like those words are my water. I so desperately need to hear it in order to survive

All my life I had to settle for being second best, and I am tired of it. I am tired of always accepting that I am just not good enough
I still go to work and that is keeping me sane, Alhamdulilah
Again. I do not know if it is my hormones, but I feel so proud of Saeed and the amazing progress he is making
I find myself crying for no reason every time he does something new

I love him
I love kids
And I love my husband
Who does not love me back

Well he does not. And that is making me sad these days. Well it is. Do not judge me I am a woman


I got an email from my ex today It was so unexpected that it completely threw me off balance. I just came back from work as usual, and I was having lunch with my beautiful and may I add__VERY understanding wife when it happened. Jawahir was showing me what that lady was saying about us on Facebook, and she was particularly ecstatic that she mentioned her in a positive way

“I have to say, Jawahir has never looked more beautiful. I guess it’s true what they say about pregnancy? Oh man, when is my time gonna come when I hold little Ahmeds in my hand”
We giggled and laughed about how Ahmed might react to her blatant hints, then I went to check my Facebook page. That’s when I saw the message from Salwa

“Salam Ibrahim, How are you doing? this email might come as quite a shock to you since we didn't part on good terms. I just wanted to congratulate you on your marriage. Ibrahim I owe you a big apology, and I feel like my whole life depends on your reply. I want you to forgive me for the way I treated you during our time together. My marriage from hell is a proof that I've mistreated you badly, and I feel like the time has come for me to step up and apologize. Maybe__Just maybe if you forgive me, things might change for me. So please accept my sincere apology for the way I treated you”

I did not know what to say! I just sat there and reread the whole thing over and over again
I do not know whether I was relived or sad, because something like this would have meant so much more to me before. But what good could come out of this now
I do not reply to her, because I do not know what to say to her really
So I leave it like that. I do not know what happened after that, but I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I felt a sudden urge to go tell my wife that I love her
People need to realize how such simple words can change someone’s life in an instant

Jawahir always___ALWAYS asks me to pray with her and I always refuse
I was afraid to get close to her. Nothing like praying with your wife to make a man fall in love, and I was scared of that. Now I understand these mixed feelings I keep on having, whenever I'm with Jawahir. With Salwa, I fell in love with her but the base was so shaky and based on pure lust it sensationally crumbled. With Jawahir, I slipped slowly and comfortably in love with her. The base was respect and admiration for the person that makes Jawahir__Jawahir.

She blends in well with my character, and most importantly she blends in well with my family. Subhanallah, from now on I will pray with her__Read Quran with her__ Do everything together Inshallah
No time to waste__I gotta tell my wifey I love her


Oh my dayssss that lady just wrote about me on Facebook
Feel like such a celebrity
I mean she did write a congratulations update when we married, but today she called me beautiful
Hey, check this beautiful chick man
I was all big headed in the kitchen washing the dishes, when I saw Ibrahim engrossed in his laptop
I wonder what is keeping him interested like that
I do not really care, cuz I am beautiful Y’all
I open my Blackberry to check on the status one more time, when I see an inbox notification.
Maybe it is someone congratulating me on my beauty
I open it, and I see Hamadi’s name staring at me
What does HE want
I really should not open it. I should just delete it. But my curiosity got the better of me

I opened it. And I wish I never did

“Hey you. Just wanted to say that I can see that your husband never told you about our little deal at the Cafe, remember? I feel really bad I really do. He made a deal with me to wait for a while, until he pretended to be interested in marrying you so I can marry your sister Luul. I have been messaging her for over a year and we were in love. But I guess Ibrahim felt sorry for you and decided to marry you anyway, just like everyone else feels sorry for you including your sister. She used to tell me ALL THE TIME, how she feels sorry for you. Now your sister is acting all high and mighty, dumping me after I agreed to their little plan. Anyway, I hope you and your sister rot in hell to be honest. BYE”

I could not feel my feet after that
Now everything makes sense
Ibrahim’s inability to say he loves me
My sister’s secrecy about the identity of the man she liked
They were both making fun of me

“Jawahir. Can I speak with you for a minute my love?” Asks Ibrahim, as he comes in the kitchen all cheerful. “Do not touch me!” I warn him, feeling unsteady as my breath gets congested in my chest
“What’s wrong sweety?” He asks, concern forming all over his face as he tries to keep me steady. “I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!” I yell at him, feeling so foolish and humiliated. I do not even know what or where I am heading when I dash out of the house, pushing Ibrahim past me. Halfway through the road, I remember that I left my phone in the kitchen where Ibrahim was.

I do not care about that__All I care about is getting as far away as possible from Ibrahim and Luul__Getting away from those traitors

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