By Aasiya Maryam
View part 1 HERE
Bismillah
TIPS ON DEALING WITH BOYS
“OMG... Look at him, he’s soo cutee!! <3“
That one look and whoa, you’re flat! Your heart skips a beat every time you look at him. You just want to be looking at him forever and possibilities are that you day (and night) dream about him! Am I right or am I right? :P
Teenage crushes are like the second most common thing that every teenage girl/guy goes through. Blame it on the hormones, you might say. For the most part, yes, you can do that! But shouldn’t we act a little grown up enough to take the responsibility for our actions too?!
Why should we be careful while dealing with guys?
As muslimahs, we all know that our hijab does not end with the way we dress! It’s also about how we portray ourselves towards others. It’s about our actions, too! So, to begin with, getting too cozy and personal with a non-mahram [1] is not halal and in-fact it can even nullify the entire purpose of the hijab!
Having said that, allow me to tell you the story of Sara.
Sara was a 16 year old muslimah. When she joined her high school, she had her goals clear! Study well, make her parents proud, communicate less with guys, be a good muslimah and daughter, like her parents wanted her to be.
All was well, until she saw him. He was tall, cute and had the personality any girl would fall for. Once in a while their eyes met and her heart would skip a beat! Before she knew it, she had a crush on him. It is normal to have crushes as a teenager, right? She hoped that soon like all of the other crushes she had once in a while, this crush will also go away.
When he sent her a Facebook friend request, it put her in a dilemma, “Should I or should I not accept it?!” She kept wondering until she reasoned out to herself “well it’s just on fb, what’s the big deal!” and she accepted it! Next thing she knew, they were private chatting on Facebook. Soon, she even convinced herself that it was OK to give her number to him.
They became very close friends. Her day started with him and ended with him. She would spend maximum time in school with him. When she returned home, they would talk over the phone or just message for hours. She felt anxious when he replied to her message even a little late. She shared every little and big part of her life with him and unknowing to her, soon enough she was addicted to him!
Finally she confessed to him that she had fallen in “love” with him and what happened next, happened!
Things did not end with that, her addiction caused her to be so into him that she did whatever pleased him. Whether it was right or wrong, that was never a question. Afterall, “Love is blind”, right?! Well, that’s what she had learnt from those romantic films she saw and the novels she read!
What started for Sara as just friendship had turned into a prison of desires! Holding on to it was hard; escaping from it was even harder!
The story of Sara is not uncommon, majority of such haram relationships start with a casual friendship, which if not limited to a certain level can cause you a great fall.
Like sister Sadaf Farooqi tells us,” The heart is the seat of desires. If one becomes slave to their desires, the result is nothing but chronic disappointment, distress and anguish.” [2]
A lecturer of mine used to say “A fool learns from his mistakes while a wise person learns from the mistakes of others!” It doesn’t mean we don’t derive lessons from our own mistakes, but just to remind us that it is better to learn things from others rather than being foolish enough to do the same thing ourselves and regretting in future.
So, to save ourselves from the regrets let’s see what lessons we learn from this story. A few reasons as to why we should maintain distance from guys:
1. We want to maintain the sanctity of our hijabs.
2. We do not want to get into a haram relationship.
3. We do not want to be a prisoner of our desires.
4. We want to save ourselves from being heartbroken.
5. We want to reserve ourselves for someone who truly deserves us!
6. Above all, we want to live and die a life that is pleasing to Allah subhaana wa ta'aala.
Now that we have good reasons for not crossing that level of comfort with boys, let’s figure out how we can go about it.
Tips for saving yourself from getting close and personal with boys
#1 – Maintain the hijab of speech:
As a muslimah, who is studying in a co-ed university herself, I know it’s close to impossible to stop interacting with guys. Every now and then, we do end up in situations where we have to talk to them. There are a few things that we should keep in mind when communicating with them.
• Make sure that your conversation is not personal or even general. It may happen that you have to talk to them because they are your partners in lab, team mates for a project or due to other reasons. Make sure that your conversations are straight to the point. Don’t let it go to a level where it gets personal. He may appear to be a low today, but as selfish as it sounds, that’s really not your business. If you try being sweet and ask him about it, you will be opening your door to getting personal with him. So, don’t! As soon as you realise that the conversation is going astray, cut it off right away!
Allah – The Most High – said: • “And do not be soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire. But instead, speak in an honorable manner.”[3]
• Maintain a level of maturity around guys. It’s ok to act kiddish and be little immature around your girlfriends at times, but not in the presence of guys. Be decent in your speech and do not act all giggly around him.
• No touching, holding hands, hugging, flirting. There is no question about this being OK!
• Do not give your cell-number or personal id to any guy. If you do end up giving them because of necessity, then not indulge in casual/useless conversations with him!
#2 – Never be alone together:
“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, the devil makes the third” [4]
Do not be alone with him; even if it’s just while messaging him or talking over the phone. You are just giving shaytan a chance to get better of you both! Remember that even if no one knows, Allah does. He subhaana wa ta’alaa is watching you, so do not cross the line!
#3 – It always starts with small things: Another lesson from the story of Sara is how shaytan lays down the plan. It all starts with the small things which seem very trivial! He might come up to you and whisper in your heart “what’s wrong in having a casual conversation with him?” or “I am not flirting with him or in a relationship, it’s alright to be just friends.”
• Shaytan knows he can’t get you to commit major sins right away, so he builds a path to it in a very clever manner. Beware of him and do not fall for it! Save yourself from him!
#4 – The Golden Rule:
“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze...” [5]
What we see sends a direct message to our heart! I understand it’s hard to not look again at something that is pleasing to your eyes, but remember the reward for it is immense! So, lower your gaze, girls!
Allah the Mighty and Exalted says, “When I test My slave regarding the two things he loves and he shows fortitude, I repay him for them with the Garden.”[6]
Think about it. Is that second look really worth giving away a gift from Allah? What’s better – a second of pleasure or a lifetime of happiness? The choice is ours!
Dear Sister, do not do anything that will leave you regretting all your life!
Like a sister put it - the safest philosophy when dealing with guys is remembering this “He’s not what I want, so why should I do anything to make him interested in me? That’ll just make for a painfully awkward situation and it’s not worth the sin anyhow.”[7]
If you think he really loves you or vice versa, remember there is a time for everything. Be patient, the man you are bound to spend your entire life with has already been decreed. Why risk our akhirah over such things?! For now, put your effort and time in doing things that are pleasing to Allah, everything else will fall into place, inshaAllah!
May Allah give us the strength to supress our desires for his sake and never to cross our line. Ameen.
[1]Your mahrams are your father, brother, grandfather, husband, sons, father-in-law, nephews, siblings of your parents.
[2] ‘Romantic’ Relationships, Marriage Proposals and Dreams of Destiny
[3]Quran[Surah al Ahzaab:32]
[4]Tirmidhi; Reported by Ummar ibn Khatab.
[5]Quran [Surah Nur:31]
[6]Al-Bukhari
[7]A Muslim girls guide to dealing with boys
View part 1 HERE
TIPS ON DEALING WITH BOYS
“OMG... Look at him, he’s soo cutee!! <3“
That one look and whoa, you’re flat! Your heart skips a beat every time you look at him. You just want to be looking at him forever and possibilities are that you day (and night) dream about him! Am I right or am I right? :P
Teenage crushes are like the second most common thing that every teenage girl/guy goes through. Blame it on the hormones, you might say. For the most part, yes, you can do that! But shouldn’t we act a little grown up enough to take the responsibility for our actions too?!
Why should we be careful while dealing with guys?
As muslimahs, we all know that our hijab does not end with the way we dress! It’s also about how we portray ourselves towards others. It’s about our actions, too! So, to begin with, getting too cozy and personal with a non-mahram [1] is not halal and in-fact it can even nullify the entire purpose of the hijab!
Having said that, allow me to tell you the story of Sara.
Sara was a 16 year old muslimah. When she joined her high school, she had her goals clear! Study well, make her parents proud, communicate less with guys, be a good muslimah and daughter, like her parents wanted her to be.
All was well, until she saw him. He was tall, cute and had the personality any girl would fall for. Once in a while their eyes met and her heart would skip a beat! Before she knew it, she had a crush on him. It is normal to have crushes as a teenager, right? She hoped that soon like all of the other crushes she had once in a while, this crush will also go away.
When he sent her a Facebook friend request, it put her in a dilemma, “Should I or should I not accept it?!” She kept wondering until she reasoned out to herself “well it’s just on fb, what’s the big deal!” and she accepted it! Next thing she knew, they were private chatting on Facebook. Soon, she even convinced herself that it was OK to give her number to him.
They became very close friends. Her day started with him and ended with him. She would spend maximum time in school with him. When she returned home, they would talk over the phone or just message for hours. She felt anxious when he replied to her message even a little late. She shared every little and big part of her life with him and unknowing to her, soon enough she was addicted to him!
Finally she confessed to him that she had fallen in “love” with him and what happened next, happened!
Things did not end with that, her addiction caused her to be so into him that she did whatever pleased him. Whether it was right or wrong, that was never a question. Afterall, “Love is blind”, right?! Well, that’s what she had learnt from those romantic films she saw and the novels she read!
What started for Sara as just friendship had turned into a prison of desires! Holding on to it was hard; escaping from it was even harder!
The story of Sara is not uncommon, majority of such haram relationships start with a casual friendship, which if not limited to a certain level can cause you a great fall.
Like sister Sadaf Farooqi tells us,” The heart is the seat of desires. If one becomes slave to their desires, the result is nothing but chronic disappointment, distress and anguish.” [2]
A lecturer of mine used to say “A fool learns from his mistakes while a wise person learns from the mistakes of others!” It doesn’t mean we don’t derive lessons from our own mistakes, but just to remind us that it is better to learn things from others rather than being foolish enough to do the same thing ourselves and regretting in future.
So, to save ourselves from the regrets let’s see what lessons we learn from this story. A few reasons as to why we should maintain distance from guys:
1. We want to maintain the sanctity of our hijabs.
2. We do not want to get into a haram relationship.
3. We do not want to be a prisoner of our desires.
4. We want to save ourselves from being heartbroken.
5. We want to reserve ourselves for someone who truly deserves us!
6. Above all, we want to live and die a life that is pleasing to Allah subhaana wa ta'aala.
Now that we have good reasons for not crossing that level of comfort with boys, let’s figure out how we can go about it.
Tips for saving yourself from getting close and personal with boys
#1 – Maintain the hijab of speech:
As a muslimah, who is studying in a co-ed university herself, I know it’s close to impossible to stop interacting with guys. Every now and then, we do end up in situations where we have to talk to them. There are a few things that we should keep in mind when communicating with them.
• Make sure that your conversation is not personal or even general. It may happen that you have to talk to them because they are your partners in lab, team mates for a project or due to other reasons. Make sure that your conversations are straight to the point. Don’t let it go to a level where it gets personal. He may appear to be a low today, but as selfish as it sounds, that’s really not your business. If you try being sweet and ask him about it, you will be opening your door to getting personal with him. So, don’t! As soon as you realise that the conversation is going astray, cut it off right away!
Allah – The Most High – said: • “And do not be soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire. But instead, speak in an honorable manner.”[3]
• Maintain a level of maturity around guys. It’s ok to act kiddish and be little immature around your girlfriends at times, but not in the presence of guys. Be decent in your speech and do not act all giggly around him.
• No touching, holding hands, hugging, flirting. There is no question about this being OK!
• Do not give your cell-number or personal id to any guy. If you do end up giving them because of necessity, then not indulge in casual/useless conversations with him!
#2 – Never be alone together:
“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, the devil makes the third” [4]
Do not be alone with him; even if it’s just while messaging him or talking over the phone. You are just giving shaytan a chance to get better of you both! Remember that even if no one knows, Allah does. He subhaana wa ta’alaa is watching you, so do not cross the line!
#3 – It always starts with small things: Another lesson from the story of Sara is how shaytan lays down the plan. It all starts with the small things which seem very trivial! He might come up to you and whisper in your heart “what’s wrong in having a casual conversation with him?” or “I am not flirting with him or in a relationship, it’s alright to be just friends.”
• Shaytan knows he can’t get you to commit major sins right away, so he builds a path to it in a very clever manner. Beware of him and do not fall for it! Save yourself from him!
#4 – The Golden Rule:
“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze...” [5]
What we see sends a direct message to our heart! I understand it’s hard to not look again at something that is pleasing to your eyes, but remember the reward for it is immense! So, lower your gaze, girls!
Allah the Mighty and Exalted says, “When I test My slave regarding the two things he loves and he shows fortitude, I repay him for them with the Garden.”[6]
Think about it. Is that second look really worth giving away a gift from Allah? What’s better – a second of pleasure or a lifetime of happiness? The choice is ours!
Dear Sister, do not do anything that will leave you regretting all your life!
Like a sister put it - the safest philosophy when dealing with guys is remembering this “He’s not what I want, so why should I do anything to make him interested in me? That’ll just make for a painfully awkward situation and it’s not worth the sin anyhow.”[7]
If you think he really loves you or vice versa, remember there is a time for everything. Be patient, the man you are bound to spend your entire life with has already been decreed. Why risk our akhirah over such things?! For now, put your effort and time in doing things that are pleasing to Allah, everything else will fall into place, inshaAllah!
May Allah give us the strength to supress our desires for his sake and never to cross our line. Ameen.
[1]Your mahrams are your father, brother, grandfather, husband, sons, father-in-law, nephews, siblings of your parents.
[2] ‘Romantic’ Relationships, Marriage Proposals and Dreams of Destiny
[3]Quran[Surah al Ahzaab:32]
[4]Tirmidhi; Reported by Ummar ibn Khatab.
[5]Quran [Surah Nur:31]
[6]Al-Bukhari
[7]A Muslim girls guide to dealing with boys
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17 comments:
mashaAllah mashaAllah!! Some excellent points raised, especially loved this part "He may appear to be a low today, but as selfish as it sounds, that’s really not your business." very true!!
Lowering our gaze is crucial, because if your eyes don't admire, your heart will NOT desire!!JazakumAllahu khayran !!
very nicely written article sister! i appreciate all the the effort you out into writing this. May Allah make it easy for you to wear the hijab and May He always continue to Guide and Aid you, as well as all our other sisters in Islam!
Ameeen!
Alhumdulillah.. JazakAllahu Khair sis for the amazing dua!!
Alhumdulillah.. Wa-iyyaki
That's a wonderful point made sis - "Lowering our gaze is crucial, because if your eyes don't admire, your heart will NOT desire!"
Really well written!
Loved it! u highlighted the dilemmas of the teenager really well mashaAllaah
Alhumdulillah.. JazakaAllahu Khair..! :)
Alhumdulillah.. JazakaAllahu Khair!May Allah make it useful for our teenage sisters!
Instead of giving so many tips, why dont u simply tell , its HARAM to talk to any non-mehram except for 4 conditions ; bussiness, doctor n patient, teaching, dawah.
Assalamualaikum sis, :)
JazakaAllahu Khair for bringing that up! I did mention it was not halal.The point of this article was to make things easy for our young sisters.. let's not forget their feeling are at an all time high at this stage of their life.. just by saying it's haram might have just made them distant from the beautiful relationship they can have with Allah and Islam *if* it was some sister reading this who doesnt have a strong imaan as of now!.. I didn't want them to be reading this and at the end any thought or question of "Is everything haraam in Islam?" popping up in their minds and to make this a reason for them to run away from pleasing Allah (swt)! I want to give them tips and tell them that .. firstly, when it's haraam it is due to something good that Allah wants for them and secondly, in todays world where in every sphere or prof u have to interact with men.. in that case just by taking a few measures they can protect themselves from doing anything "haraam".
And even the 4 conditions that you mentioned.. JazakAllahu Khair for letting us know about it... even in those cases these tips may be applied.. so that we don't cross the line! Allah knows best.
Everything good in this article is from Allah(swt) and everything wrong from me! May Allah bless you. :)Wa'assalam!
Masha Allah, Brilliant advice!
Many teenage Muslimahs today have this misconception that it is not wrong. The example u gave is extremely relevant for any teenager.
May Allah reward you abundantly.
Alhumdulillah! .. JazakAllahu Khair for your words of appreciation!
Ameeen to your dua! :)
As Salamualaikum, dear sister.
JazakAllah khairan for this article. I liked the ending "Be patient, the man you are bound to spend your entire life with has already been decreed. Why risk our akhirah over such things?".
SubhanAllah, that is very true!
Love you for the sake of Allah, sister. May Allah protect us from the waswasa of shaytan, Ameen.
Thank you, once again.
Walaikum Assalam!
Alhumdulillah, .. wa-iyyaki sis! :)May He for whose sake u love me, love you too!! <3 Ameen to ur dua!
MashaAllah.Thank you for this article.But i have a question if we avoid boys and not talk to them exept for professionally,how r we going to meet the one whom we will call our husbands in the future?
Alhumdulillah! JazakaAllahu Khair.
Well that's a good question. heh.. Sister first thing is we will meet the guy we are bound to get married when the time is right.. may be at a wedding or a friends party or may be in an arranged marriage fashion. Now, suppose you do get to meet someone like that by chance and you are in the ripe age of getting married, then with that intention, yes inshaAllah you can talk to the guy BUT only in the presence of a wali. Getting into a relationship at the age of 16 and with the intention that you are going to get married 8 years from then will lead only to more haraam on ones part coz it will open doors for shaytan to persuade one into doing what is forbidden. Moreover it's just not worth the pain and regrets. Above all, would you want to start a relationship as pure and halal as marriage with the displeasure of Allah swt? No, isn't it? We want our marriages to be blessed with Allah's pleasure to be one that will lead us much more closer to our Lord.. not take us away from Him. That's why it's important for us to remember never to cross the line.
To summarise, yes you can talk to a guy incase you are say 20 .. 20+ and want to get married BUT BUT BUT you can talk to him and ask all you want to know about him only in the presence of a wali .. it could be your father or if you are not comfortable with that .. may be your brother. After all, the point is we want to know this potential husband better right? before we take the decision.. so yes.. alhumdulillah, in that way we can talk to him and ask all we want to but within the limits of our hijab without being flirtatious in our speach and that's why we do it in the presence of our wali so that it's some serious talk and not flirting!
I hope that answers your question inshaAllah! :) <3
P.S. To know more about love and relationships.. you might want to read this article:
http://www.habibihalaqas.org/2012/10/of-relationships-and-love-part-1.html
Baarakallahu feek dear sister! Very importants issues raised and addressed appropriately!
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